A Cynic's Dilemma

The problem with being a cynic is

Even when you've met the perfect man,

You cling to your inbuilt defense system

And hope he's not that great after all,

Because it's really difficult to be cynical

About the perfect guy, isn't it?

Strange

It's strange

How you were never there

When I was pining away for you

Little did I realise, That one day,

In some deep dark corner,

You'd be pining away for me too.

playing with fire

I'm not your Mom.

And so I've decided

to let you fall and get hurt

instead of holding your hand

to let you get lost in the darkness

instead of guiding you each time.

If you choose to play with fire,

It's perfectly your business.

I'm done mothering you.

I'm done being your nanny.

You chose to fall for me.

You chose to come after me.

And I'm done protecting you.

And if you end up hurting yourself here,

I'm done tending to your wounds.

Love never comes with no strings attached.

There's hurt and there's pain.

Get used to it.

You chose to play with fire,

And that is perfectly your business.

The Edge

All my life

I stood at the edge.

Not wanting to jump,

Afraid of what might happen.

Of the unknown.

And then one day

I figured

I had had enough.

If I jumped,

I might die.

But this was no way to live.

....

I had almost given up writing,

But of course I'd no clue

You were about to barge into my life.

You came in so suddenly

I didn't even get a chance

To bolt the doors from inside.

And now you sit there

At the other end of the table

Indifferent, aloof

As my heart keeps pounding.

Maybe you don't notice that.

Maybe you don't want to notice that.

And I see you as you sit there

At the other end of the table

Not noticing/Not wanting to notice

(Which one is it, for heaven's sake!)

Leaving me here

To wonder, speculate, and hope.

Voice

I wonder what it would feel like

to be a Voice.

Nameless and faceless.

just a voice.

No silly heart beating away madly

everytime i see him.

No eyes glistening with tears

giving away my feelings.

No creases on my forehead

giving away my deepest thoughts

No hands shaking with fear.

No fake smile on my lips

To hide a tear.

Rain

A thousand times and more the drops may fall in vain,

But it will never rain like this again.

Not Sorry

I'm not sorry I'm going away honey.

I've promised to call you soon.

I've spoken about how much I'm going to miss you.

Though it's all a farce,

Never mind, if it comforts you.

You talk of how our love will survive the miles.

Our love was dead long ago baby.

We were just feeding on the ashes.

I'm no longer who I was ten years ago.

And you're still you. So that makes us strangers.

Can't help it if it hurts you,

But I'm going away honey.

Voices In My Head

There are voices in my head.

There are uninvited guests in my mind.

There are strangers in my attic.

There are intruders in my thoughts.

There's Fear the Ghost,

Haunting away my sleep at night.

There's Hope and Despair, the inseparable twins,

Bouncing up and down on the see-saw of my life.

(unaware of the havoc they wreak!)

There's Love, the biggest idiot of the lot,

Blissfully unaware of the extent of its stupidity.

And then there's Joy, the new-born,

Beautiful and fragile.

There are uninvited guests in my mind.

How I wish i could throw them out!

There are voices in my head.

How I wish I could shut them up!

Indifference

I go to extraordinary lengths

to act like I don't care

because I care so much.

I pretend not to notice you

so you don't notice

how my heart skips a beat

when I see you.

in his memory

We both wore glasses. I was tall and fat. He was dark and lean. I often saw him in the corridor. Between classes. I would cast secret glances at him when I knew he wasn't looking. Not that he ever looked. I suppose he never noticed i existed. Tall, dark and lean guys dont have time for fat girls. There were always other girls. Girls with dimpled smiles and long hair. Girls with kohl-lined eyes and no glasses. I was surprised that I noticed him so much. Him and his dark eyes that made me think of deep oceans. Eyes that made me wish I was a poet or a painter so I could capture the intensity in them. Years have passed now. There are other guys now, guys who are interested and guys who are interesting. But sometimes, in the darkness, I still remember him. Him and his dark eyes. Eyes that used to gaze right through me ,as if I didn't exist.